A gift you can give to your loved ones: Ask for what YOU need!

In this piece, guest contributor Alyssa Tsagong offers a gentle reminder that naming our needs isn’t a burden, but an invitation for others to show up.

If you have shared your cancer diagnosis with friends and family, you have already had many people say some variation of: “Let me know how I can help!”

Oh, but it is so UNCOMFORTABLE to name our true needs.

To say “could you bring dinner over next Thursday after my treatment?” feels so difficult! I don’t want to be a burden.

BUT...

What happens when I flip the script? If I stop and imagine that I am speaking to someone I love and care about and I don’t know what it is that will really be helpful, and they name their needs, I feel nothing but gratitude. Gratitude to know what is needed, and be able to do something that will truly support them.

When I was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer in 2019 at 38 years old, I didn’t know how to respond to the offers of support at first. Quickly, I began receiving gifts, many of which had a pink ribbon and were thoughtful, but frankly were not useful. On the other hand the actual needs I had were endless - so many things to buy to help with surgery, chemo side effects, and supporting our family in navigating this disease. I made a spreadsheet in google docs and listed all of the purchases that we needed and wanted - everything from new sheets to help keep up with endless laundry to ice mitts and ice socks to ward off neuropathy during chemo to my kids’ favorite restaurants for take out.

Then, I shared it. As packages with ginger tummy drops, books, and those brand new sheets started arriving, we had our friends and family reaching out to say how happy they were to know what was needed.

I am living with Stage IV Metastatic Breast Cancer (MBC) today, and I am glad that I learned this lesson in advance, because life with MBC is much better with help. There are days when having a friend drive me to an appointment makes all the difference in the world, and I know it is ok to ask for that. When someone asks if there is anything I need, I now have an even better tool than my google docs spreadsheet!

WeGotThis.org has created a free gift registry as an easy way for cancer patients to ask for the help we need and deserve. You can add everything from electrolytes to a LuxCare Sun Safe hoodie 

As it turns out, being honest about how we need our community to show up for us is a gift that we can give them. What’s more, it makes space for others to become a little bolder and braver about requesting and receiving support.

Alyssa Tsagong is an artist, mom, and MBC thriver. In addition to holding sacred and creative space for MBC thrivers and their chosen friend through Temple of Kinship retreats, Alyssa is also a METAvivor MBC Peer to Peer support group leader in southeast Wisconsin.